I can't decide if it's cute or horrifying.

A quote from my cousin regarding pizza:

Cousin: My tastebugs are dying for some thin-crust pizza!!
Sister: Your WHAT?
Cousin: My tastebugs.
Sister (laughing): Tell Ashley what you said.
Me: Tell me what?
Cousin: I said 'My tastebugs...' is that not right?
Me: Hahaha, uhh, no, baby, it's tasteBUDS.
Cousin: Ohh...

I picture tiny, adorable little 'tastebugs' craving pizza and scurrying to relay the message to my brain. It's either unbearably cute or sci-fi horror disgusting.

She had another moment like this later in the evening, but I cannot for the life of me recall exactly what it was.

A never-before-heard curse

My brother was helping my mom clean up some broken glass in the kitchen. When my mom started to dampen a cloth in the sink, she accidentally sprayed my brother in the stomach. I was in a different room and all I heard him say was:

"Ahhhhhh... shit-the-bed."

I was literally doubled over laughing for 20 minutes. No one else thought it was funny (and odds are that no one reading this will think so either) but just the tone of voice and the slight pause after the 'ahhh'.... Well, it struck me as funny when it happened, and I've been laughing about it since. I think it's my new favorite phrase.

I can answer that myself...

A conversation/monologue with my mother:

"Hey mom, how exactly do you poach an egg? Oh, I guess you just hunt and shoot it when it's not egg season."

She just looked at me.

Hunh, what are the odds?!

My stupid phrase of the day:

Relating a story to my parents today, I was attempting to say, 'where the [train] tracks run parallel to the road,' but instead said that they were parallel to the ground.

This concludes my stupid phrase of the day. I hope.

A short but astute observation

Me: There is nothing worse than trying to get out of a sweaty sports bra. You have to be a contortionist. Friggin' Houdini wouldn't be able to pull it off easily (hah, pun!). It's like a Chinese finger trap for yoour boobs.
Mom: So, it's booby-trapped.


She's quick, I tell ya!

Originality drought.

Honestly, we've not been especially original in our phrasing as of late. A pretty good chunk of our conversation involves movie quotes. The main culprits are usually 'Dumb and Dumber,' 'Get Smart,' and 'The Emperor's New Groove.' Yes we're all adults. No, we've never matured.

We have adopted the word 'Lloyd' to mean 'gag.' This, of course, comes from the scene in 'Dumb and Dumber' wherein Lloyd (Jim Carrey) watches Harry (Jeff Daniels) drive off from Mary's (who plays Mary?) house and tries to make himself throw up.

So, if you're ever out in public and hear someone say 'Eww, you made me Lloyd' accompanied by a gagging noise and/or face, that's probably one of my family members.

Side note: I found the movie 'FernGully' in the $5 bin at K-Mart, so we've been quoting that one quite a bit this week as well. To wit:

"Human tails? Humans don't have tails. They have big, big bottoms that they wear with bad shorts. They walk around going, 'Hi, Helen!!'" (Robin Williams as Batty Koda)

Yeah, we've renamed a lot of people Helen lately.

Well played, sir. Well played.

Ok, ok. I'll tell one on myself. It actually happened today, so that's nice. Convenient, right?

My parents and I went to dinner at Outback. I was telling my mom some story from work (I cannot remember what it was) when our waiter (of course, he was a cutie) came to take our order. As I start to order, I forget what it was I had planned to get, having been involved in conversation up till that point. So as I'm racking my brain, it throws 'filet' at me.

Me (internal thoughts): 'Filet', alright, what size? Which is the smaller? Was it 6 and 8 oz, or 7 and 9 oz? Damn. I can't remember.

Me (aloud): I'd like the filet... the smaller... the, what, 7 oz Victoria's Secret-- oh, shit.

Yes. I asked the cutie waiter for the Victoria's Secret filet.

Did you know it was possble to feel a blush as it happens? I didn't until today.

And his quick-on-his-feet reply? As he's writing down the order, he glances back up at me and deadpans, "Y'know, we might be able to find the matching top for that."

...

I died a little on the inside, but really, what can you do in a situation like that except laugh?

*sigh* My parents have been calling me Vickie ever since. On the plus side, at least I know I made an impression.

Also, my nose runs and my feet smell...

On two separate occasions, my sister has confused which sensory organ controls which basic sense.

Act I:

(I'm researching online for my sister, who is cat-napping in my room with her head partially under a pillow - mostly her forehead.)

ME: Hey, is this the website you found it on?
HER (groggily): ...What?
ME: This website. Is this what it looked like?
HER (without looking, or even moving, really): I can't hear you; my eyes are closed.

(Scene.)

Act II:

(Walking up out of the waves on a beach in Florida, I'm to the left of my sister and our brother is on her right. We've been body-surfing and my and my sister's hair is plastered to our heads, faces, necks and shoulders. My brother's is not, because his hair is buzzed off.)

HIM (Holding hand out toward sister's face.): What is this smell? It's not, like, sunblock, but I don't know what it is.
HER: I don't know. My hair's over my ears. I can't smell anything.

(Scene.)

No, no. That doesn't seem right...

During a discussion about Disney movies, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves came up. Someone (I cannot remember who) asked what the names of all the dwarves were*. So we started listing them:

"Uhh, let's see... Happy."
"Um, Dopey. Sleepy."
"Hungry?"
"No, that's not one."
"Oh. Was there a Sneezy?"
"Yeah, Sneezy. And Grumpy"
"Doc! Doc's one, right?"
"Yeah, he's one. OK, wait. Who all do we have so far? Happy, Dopey, Sleepy, Sleazy-- no, wait, that's not one. Hah, unless it's, like, the porno Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
"Ooh, that list would be more fun!"
"OK, so Happy could stay. Add Sleazy."
"Gropey."
"Creepy."
"Hah, Creepy. Nice. Who'd replace Doc? Oh, and Bashful. That's who we were missing before."

...We have our own list of dwarves now. I think there's more than 7. We keep adding to the list.



*For the record, the original 7 are Happy, Dopey, Sleepy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Bashful, and Doc.

Why do you ask?

A few months ago, my whole immediate family was heading home from dinner in one car; parents up front, me, my sister and her husband behind them, my brother and his girlfriend behind us.

About halfway home, I was struck by the fact that the 3 glasses of tea I had had at dinner were too much for my bladder. So I say to my dad (who is driving), "Dad, I can you speed up? I need a potty break!"

My dad doesn't hear, so my mom reiterates; "Speed up some, she's got to go to the bathroom."

My dad responds with, "Who does?"

And full bladder be-damned, I start laughing, and get only confused looks. "Well, really," I managed to gasp, "does it MATTER who said it?! Whoever said it, clearly the back seat is in imminent danger!!"

We did make it home in time, happily. And we still ask "Who does?" If anyone says they need to use the bathroom.